Edgworth CC Tavs ‘A’ (167/4) v Edgworth CC Tavs ‘B’ (11/0), 21/07/16 (match abandoned)
It was gone 7pm by the time the police arrived, but those involved in the brawl had fled the scene.
Hot weather can make you do funny things. Like involve yourself in a punch-up on a beach near Whitley Bay (hence the above), or ransack an East London McDonald’s, or take off all but your underwear in public and bask in the sun’s unforgiving rays.
Or turn up for a cricket match on a Thursday evening, slap on the suntan lotion and bug spray, then watch disconsolately as a monsoon washes away the evening’s entertainment at around eight o’clock.
Yes, arrive at Edgworth last night and, despite record temperatures and sticky sleepless nights for the entire nation through the preceding week, you’d have been forgiven for thinking autumn had come early.
Wet, very wet. Only Alastair seemed to hold out hope for a resumption, walking out into the rain and peering skywards like Tim Robbins in that climactic scene near the end of The Shawshank Redemption.
In the film, as Robbins’ character Andy emerges from the sewer pipe into rainy freedom, the voiceover provided by Morgan Freeman intones: “Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.”
An apt metaphor for playing Tavs cricket, you might say.
Still, the game had been a bit of a hit-it-and-hope affair anyway. There had been no official fixture in the diary, so captain Mammut Mark had sent out a missive asking Tavs to corral family and friends and get a game going.
So plenty of new faces, which was great to see. Though it makes writing a match report a tad tricky, as your author doesn’t know all the names written down in the scorebook. So apologies in advance if anything is missed or misattributed.
A downpour at 2pm had made the outfield squelchy, amazing considering local temperatures of 32 degrees on Tuesday and the fine weather all week. (Older Tavs may want that temperature in Fahrenheit. You’re not going to get it — we no longer live in the 1970s. Well, Alan does, but not the rest of us.)
Play started on time with two new Tavs ‘A’ players striding to the crease. Twenty overs a side still but the boundaries brought in significantly and playing off the artificial square nearest the pavilion. So, no sixes hit towards there or they count for just two.
Gary Fox faced the first over of the innings from Alan, whose flight and tweak in the previous week against Teachers had been a joy to behold. It still was, but Gary initially saw him off with able support from his partner Tom Proctor.
A frugal spell too from Matt, opening the bowling from the Field End. The painter and decorator conceded an extra in his first over, blaming a painful shoulder on spray-painting all day. Which explains why, occasionally, Matt sprays the ball around a bit too.
(Incidentally, I’ve been calling it the Field End but Waddi insists it’s really Bury Road End. I’ll use that from now on.)
At this point Jason admitted that he’d never heard of the fielding position Cow Corner before playing for Tavs, and initially assumed it must be connected to the dairy farm which borders our ground.
In fact, Cow Corner is thought to have originated at Dulwich College where there was the corner of a field containing livestock on that edge of the playing area. Fielders were dispatched to the “cow corner”. So, Jason’s basically correct. How annoying.
Sledging brings a shattered wicket
Matt’s spell ended wicketless, but not Alan’s whose peach of a delivery upset Tom’s timbers just as the opener was looking to motor on having compiled 14. This brought Martin Foran, another debutant, out to bat, as well as Mammut Mark to bowl.
Strong in shoulder is Mammut, as Gary soon found out to his cost. “You’ve only scored five!” cried Waddi, bravely hiding behind his scorebook. Next ball, up stepped Mark and a pacey, direct delivery broke the batsman’s wicket. If Waddi’s sledging of his own team hadn’t already shattered the batsman’s confidence, Mark’s assault certainly had.
Martin and Doug Barden out there now. Mammut wore one in the groin in his second over, a delivery punched hard back down the ground and into his lower midriff. He hid it well, but ouch.
Doug has suffered a similar injury last week, and admitted to having sported bruising on his, ahem, frank and beans, that had necessitated a trip to a medical professional. From now on, if anyone gets a ball to the bollocks while playing for the Tavs he’ll have been “hit in the Bardens”.
Cass’s bowling was Heinz as usual (57 varieties) but one pitched up delivery saw Doug pull a tad unconvincingly, and clutched at by Fireman Matt at deep midwicket. He’s a good catcher, Matt. Must be all his rescuing of cats when they fall out of trees.
Martin, having taken his time to bed in, was cruising now, plundering Cass and Gaz for runs before smashing a six and declaring for 25. Top knock on debut.
Hamstring gone, but not hamstrung
Out there with a tight hamstring was Alastair, so encumbered by this invisible muscle trouble that he struggled to do much more that nudge the ball into leg on occasion. It also made running difficult, a problem admittedly that all Tavs seemingly face.
Matt the man at the other end, bristling with his usual energy and, despite still suffering from his hernia, not about to turn down a quick single any time soon.
Alastair was though, a nudge into the onside and Matt set off. “No!” cried Alastair, bat still firmly inside his crease. Horrified, Matt stopped and swivelled and fell to the ground. Cass swooped in from nearby and a shy at the stumps was needed. But he too slipped, and Matt had time to regain his feet. The batsman set off, Cass now upright and, crazily, deciding to try to outsprint him. He didn’t, the ball finally connecting with Matt’s wicket only when he had regained his ground. Blushes all round, from Alastair for turning down an easy single, Matt for slipping and falling and Cass for, well, all of the above.
Later, when challenged on why he hadn’t thrown at the stumps, Cass retorted: “Think about last week — I didn’t want to ‘do an Alan.’ And you can put that in your report.” Fair enough.
There were more drops too in this innings, one behind the stumps from Toby after another slip and another in the deep near the death, but to be honest it was damp and dark and no real blame attached.
In the end Matt, perhaps angered by not kicking on sooner, had a wild swing and inside edged a Rory delivery onto his own stumps. Alastair, though, found his feet and like Graeme Smith with a broken hand ignored his hamstring to slowly compiled an innings of increasing quality.
He brought his compilation of 25 valuable runs to a close with a four then a one, and back into the changing room he came. Nice knock.
And nice knocks too from the men who saw the Tavs ‘A’ innings to a close. Jason Bogg, new willow in hand, has a reputation for acquiring bats that play like Polo mints (they have no middle.) But this new one seems to, and off some late-in-the-day buffet bowling he helped himself greedily to a quick 28, including a mighty three sixes en route.
He likes a shot over cover, does Jason. On flat six flew straight at fielder Mammut, who bravely dived for safety rather than trying to lay a hand on it. It brought to mind the Monty Python character and song Brave Sir Robin: “Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about / And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet / He beat a very brave retreat.”
And Brian too, who’s looked in good touch all summer long but has managed to find ways to be dismissed, or else has been run out by helpful teammates. Not so today, with plenty of boundaries on the leg side behind square.
Alarmed by the game seemingly running away from them, Tavs ‘B’ posted almost their entire feeding unit on the leg side — the resulting front footed drive into the off for four from Brian was the shot of the day.
Manchester United, circa 1993
In after Bogg’s 28, Waddi strode out to the non-striker’s end to help his side see of the last over of the innings. He’d talked of declaring one ball early, just “because it would be funny.” Had he done so he’d have deprived Brian of his own 25 not out, bringing it about with a lovely sweep past deep midwicket off the final delivery of the day.
A small pitch and erratic bowling notwithstanding, the Tavs ‘A’ score of 167/4 off 20 overs was a top effort. The B Team were going to have to go some to challenge that.
Sadly, the likes of Mammut, Cass and the Fireman never got a chance. Clouds as black at Manchester United’s 1993 away kit rolled over and started to spit almost as Doug started to turn his arm over. Bowling to Fireman and the bravely unhelmeted Cass we got 12 deliveries of Doug and just six, a maiden over, from Brian before the heavens opened. And boy, did they open.
Inside we sprinted, and no amount of well-wishing or praying to Helios did the trick. It was game over, so attention naturally turned to pints of Wainwright and a long-promised curry. Alan, top job with that curry.
Korma delivered where karma hadn’t — on this occasion hot food compensated after the hot weather snubbed us. Such is the life of a Tav.
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Highlight of the match: Brian’s last ball 25 not out then first over maiden are testament to an excellent all-round performance.
Lowlight: The weather. Nuff said.
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Best bowling (everyone gets two overs): Shared around really, and Tavs ‘B’ didn’t get much of a chance to make an impression.
Best batting (must retire on 25): Jason 28*, Alastair and Brian both 25*.
