Bolton Cooper (139–4, 19o) bt Edgworth Tavs (138–2)
There is a video of a football fan that does the rounds from time to time on social media. He’s speaking to the camera, showing off the Everton tattoo on his hairy forearm.
“This cost me 60 quid. Well, don’t try this at home. You see this sauce? You only get this sauce from certain shops…”
The sauce is lighter fluid. He pours it on his arm.
“What you do, you pour it on your Everton tattoo. Then you have to get one of these…”
It’s a lighter. He lights it up and he quite slowly sets his tattoo, his arm, on fire.
“You fucking know this shit!!” he shouts, before backing out of the camera shot.
I was reminded of this brain-scrambling 29secs of footage during the first innings of this humdinger of a fixture against our old friends Bolton Cooper. We were into our innings with the score ticking up, and Rob was asked why he wasn’t wearing his Tavs top.
Turns out he had been wearing it while close to a bonfire. Too close. He’s basically melted his Tavs shirt by standing too close to an open flame. If only we had some firefighting expertise in our ranks to offer advice…
Should we be surprised by this sort of bonkers bonfire behaviour? No, it’s Tavs; you fucking know this shit.
To be fair, a fair few Tavs’ shirts might have melted on Thursday evening, so hot was it and so lacking in shade is the Eagley Sports Complex.
The Taverners, whose summer so far has been stop-start thanks to the weather, seem set for a busy end of May and early June if the forecast is anything to go by. And we can take great heart from the performance against Coopers, even if we just came up short.
Batting first under the blazing sun, the solution for some not batting was to light up and puff in the breeze while the Tavs batters sizzled in the middle. As a non-smoker, I’ve kind of always assumed a fag heats you up a bit? I’m less clear about a vape — the scent of Will’s noxious Very Berry flavour didn’t exactly tempt me to find out.
Ewan, lured off the golf course and its never-ending conversations about mortgage rates and the latest Tesla model, strode out purposeful as always. Joining him was Smallwood, wearing a helmet this summer which proves beyond doubt what many might have wondered; he’s not the bravest batsman in the world.
Still, the doughty pair started solidly if unspectacular. (That’s code for saying it was probably quite boring.) They saw off Coopers’ most dangerous bowler, Smallwood getting a ribcage delivery on his forearm in around the spot a flammable Everton tattoo would go.
Eventually Ewan opened his shoulders and boundaries came, and Smallwood’s drives, cuts and nudges straight to fielders instead started finding the gaps. The golfer retired on 25* with a glorious boundary to be replaced by Boggy, another man who doesn’t wear a Tavs shirt. But he hasn’t the excuse of burning it by a bonfire.
Smallwood holed out soon after for a sturdy 18, Brian’s turn next. Taverners kept up the scoring rate with some typically booming boundaries from the willow of Boggy — there was a middle on his bat today! — and Brian battling a lack of rhythm but still scoring ones and twos. It took a stunning run-out from a Cooper at mid on, throwing down two stumps with a direct hit, to send a heavy-breathing Brian back to the hutch.
A trio of singles from Boggy — not ideal, running in this heat — preceded “one of the best balls I have ever faced” as his off peg was upended. The vanquishing bowler J Cooper roared Neil Wagner-like as our Yoooorkshire batter trudged off. It seamed and swung, apparently. Did it also do the crossword and tie his shoelace?
Lovely batting from Rob and Toby kept things ticking along, with the odd one turned into two thanks to nifty running or the odd helpful overthrow. Less helpful was a ball in the bollocks, a ball in the inner thigh and a ball in the small of Rob’s back from a Coopers bowler who seemingly hadn’t got the memo about this level of cricket. They know each other from football matches of old, apparently. You hear a lot about football lads — some of them burn tattoos off their own arms…
A quick turnaround at the interval and the Taverners could feel justifiably proud of 138 racked up in such swelter. And as they took to the field the sun disappeared behind the clouds — it was darker and muggier now, perfect for bowling.
And a strong start with the cherry it was too, Toby from the entrance end keeping it tight if not always hugely threatening, and Boggy wheeling away with the pavillion (and a seated if still vocal Waddi) behind him. Boggy struck in his very first over and the opening pair kept a lid on things, replaced by a Smith/Clemence duo that did even better. Seeing Alan’s left-armers loop into the batter’s toes and just about be kept out is always a thing of joy, and Jason’s miserly stuff included a peach that thoroughly upset Coopers’ stumps.
It was around this time, or that of the next bowlers Brian and Rob, that our Bri got his own back. Cooper biffed the ball into the leg side, not far from Brian. He gathered it cleanly. The shy at the stumps initially appeared slightly off-target, but it either hit the seam as it bounced or a camber in the pitch because it then smashed into the wicket from quite some distance away. Flintoff running out Ponting at the Oval in 2009, eat your heart out.
It was from here though where things got a bit Geoffrey Hinton for Tavs. Who’s Hinton? The ‘Godfather of AI’ who’s quit the scene saying the thing he’s invented is terrifying. Basically, he tried his best and it was going quite well but now it’s all gone wrong. From a position of strength 75% of the way into this match, Tavs Hinton-ed it.
It’s no-one’s particular fault. No-one gets it wrong deliberately, no-one doesn’t try. It’s just that a succession of bowlers’ two over spells went for 24, 20 and 26 runs apiece, and sadly it was suddenly game over. Coopers’ best batsmen were in and set, the balls they faced they could hit, they did hit them, and as our former Prime Minister famously said outside Downing Street as he resigned: “them’s the breaks.”
Slightly shell shocked, Tavs found ourselves in the Eagley bar supping Coors, eating hotpot and peas (or Smallwood’s plant-based monstrosity) and wondering quite what went wrong.
But a happy coda: these are great opponents, we always enjoy a good close scrap, and we’ll meet them again soon. At our place. Where we know our preferred end to bowl from, where we know the sun sets in the batsman’s eyes after 6.30pm, and where there’s real ale on the bar. Small mercies.
Chin up Tavs — we go again.
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Highlight of the match: Brian’s run-out was Jonty Rhodes all over, but this week’s goes to Jason Smith whose perfect pace and control bought a deserved wicket. Classy.
Lowlight: Don’t bounce a Tav. For so many reasons.
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Best bowling: Smallwood got one wicket for just four runs. (What, he only got to bowl one over you say? Well, his second would have been a maiden, guaranteed.)
Best batting (must retire on 25): Thanks for parking your putter for the evening, Ewan.
